I love to be alone because I find comfort in loneliness.

One thirty in the morning and I cant sleep.

This is not good. I'm so tired. Why on earth must I experience this every year? Thinking about how someone you love left on a day to be loved. 

Was it really my fault as you said?  Why can't I smile. Why can't I laugh?  I have to get over you, but for some reasons I can't. 

Bit by bit, it all comes back. I can't handle this..  

What are these things flowing down from my eyes? Haven I teared enough already? Must you torture me like this? I really need a damn shoulder for me to lie on and cry.  

I cant go to Edmond. Too ashamed to let him know how weak his sister is. I can't go to any secondary school friends. They don't know what I've been through. That's it, I've got no one with me. When I needed someone, no one is by my side. I am ashamed.

  Why must I suffer alone. What can I even do? I chased a friend away, and now I'm left with none. Not that I regret, I blame myself for being so stupid.  

Now I fear, fear of rejection , fear of heartache. Why am I so weak? Why am I powerless? Why do I have to make use of others to get over you? It's been 3 people. Enough victims already. Guilty like mad, but I don't know. I dont want to hurt anymore people, making use of them..

  I'm so tired, tired of trying to be loved, tired to know if anyone in this fuckin world cares about me. I'm so tired of being alone. Now the dark scares me. I close my eyes and everything comes back. Retribution for hurting the innocents. I get it. I'm sorry. 

My heart is bleeding, .. 

And I can't stop it.  

I am weak, I failed.     

ELForever , Ariel.