I love to be alone because I find comfort in loneliness.

Yes I had to go see Ben today because of what I don't want to be part of. I got to say that he is really nice. Trying to give me alternatives in duty. Staying with s6 till it's time for duty , pushing forward the stepdown date etc. After the whole conversation, I feel so, so guilty.

He asked why at first. Yea, basic question. But answering it, why will tears fall? You don't like it because you don't like being alone. Whats new to being alone Ariel?  But because I experience s6, I know how is it like being in something, always having someone there. Laughter, fighting bullying and everything. Then if I go back to s0. No one will say hi. No one will smile to me. No one will notice me. No one will care. Two sections, completely different. I don't want this. I experienced being cared for, being part of s6 , I don't want to lose that feeling when I return to s0.

I am really sensitive when it comes to emotions. I cry. A lot. But in school, I am strong. Not anymore I guess. I let tears roll down my eyes, they didn't stop. People saw, who knows what they are saying about me. I don't want people to see my weak side. I don't want people to know that I am only faking my highmightyness.

I wanna be me. But people judge.

I say I didn't cry. Yes I insisted that im not crying to Ben. Cause if I admit that little fact there, I will lose it. I will cry even harder, I will lose myself. I cannot be weak. Not in front of others.

But I am no superman am I? These feelings still hit me hard. I tried my best to maintain my smile. Smile? No more I guess.

I let my new classmates know I'm weak. Why. I cannot be weak. I don't want pity. I want friendship. I want people to care, to love. Not alone.

Losing my grandmum was a great blow. Without her, im alone. In front of her, I promised. I promise to not be alone. I promised to find someone who will care. What happened to my promise?

I miss nainai. She never make me feel alone. When everyone else is busy with their work. Only she will give me the attention I need. Until she is. Gone.

So now I hate being alone. Or maybe not. I hate the contrast between cared and ignored. Talkative to quiet. Or being alone.

I want to be alone no more. Im sorry Ben. I don't think I want s0.

Im sorry.