I love to be alone because I find comfort in loneliness.

Its towards the end of a year again.
This year will be the fourth year I'll be sending you a long message again. So many things to tell you, so less space. But do you actually read my messages? Do you know how much I worry every end of the year because of this. I fear saying the wrong things, I fear that you shun me more. As you walk further and further, I fear I will forget. Forget you, forget us.

To be honest.2013 was a really tough year for me. I really tried very hard to minimize the pain and everything. I tried to forget the bad memories and just remember those times of fun we had together.

I started talking to that one guy I've hurt the most. I feel so sorry for doing that to him back then and so I thought I should. Because before all these happened, we were really good friends. I saw that guy I've hurt this year again. 3years since we last met. I hid. I ran. I just couldn't face him anymore. I feel like a murderer, I killed someone's heart then but I managed to escape from this crime. He gave me so much but all I had to do was break him. But he wasn't angry. I did so much to hurt him but he didnt blame me. What's this putting Ariel on a guilt trip? That's right you say, I deserve endless suffering. You tried to help again, but all I did was to flare up. And yes I've always been suffering. Ever since then. What kind of pathetic shit is a 12yo suffering from mild depression. Relying on pills and consultations. Because everything I thought of was death and that was the only way to repay my debt. I've hurt too much. But I'm hurt too much as well.

Nights like tonight are really those I think too much again. If only feelings didn't exist. You and I and Edmond, us three will still be ACE. If feelings didn't exist. I wouldn't have hurt a good friend and lost a friendship. If feelings didn't exist, we will still be talking like before feelings developed.

I look at all the things you've given me. Though it is not significant to others or even to you, but to me they are the most precious items I've ever received. I think back before. I smile. Why did I make things difficult then? Why did I change how things would have been?

I think of those fun we had as 5/6 courage. I remember those friendships we owned. I still think of these people who made my primary school life better then. But im afraid now. If I go back, I'd see the one who hurt me. I'd see the one who I've hurt. Standing by a distance, I see you guys. But I had to walk away.

4th year already. How time flies. Will I be like this till the end of my life? Deep reflection of what I've done. What I've lost? This is so painful again. Handling everything alone. Because I've pushed away the people I was blessed with. I've pushed away the people who cared.

Xx.