I love to be alone because I find comfort in loneliness.

I put my playlist on shuffle today and didn't skip any song. All the old Chinese songs that popped out just sent me back on a trip down memory lane. I remembered the times when I was so into 棒棒堂 and  choco7 and absolutely loved the drama 黑糖玛奇朵. And all the old songs like 我太笨 and 爱情学策.

I really enjoyed the times before things get so complicated. It was just me singing to my heart's content. I've always loved singing, won't say I'm v good at it but I love it. I realised I don't know what I like or what I enjoy nowadays. Most of the times I'm just following other'side opinions and stuff. I've lost my say in my life. To the extent that I'm not even certain of myself anymore.

My younger days weren't that very sweet and filled with happiness. I guess that's what being the middle child does to you. You kind of learn to grow up alone. Independent since young, some times I just want to have some love and support or just something to remind me hey maybe I'm not alone.

I don't even remember when I was truly happy. Life is superficial. You get lost within and will never find your way out. I never wanted my life to be centred over someone. I wondered why or how it happened. How is it that whenever I think that 'I'm finally okay' , you have to pop up in my dreams to tell me I'm not.

Last time a friend asked me if I could turn back time, when will I rewind life to. I told her back to when I was a baby. I may walk the same path again, but in a different manner. Now that I think again alone. I just want to turn back time to 5 years ago back to that duty together. I won't say happiness but it was the last time that I felt that my heart was warm. I guess that's still on the top of my favourite moments list.

Because after that everything went wrong.

I really hate myself I swear.