I love to be alone because I find comfort in loneliness.

Bring back 2005 and I probably won't recognize the then me.

Lively and bubbly, fun-loving and full of joy. I faintly remember loving to smile and making everyone else laugh together. It was great as everyday was filled with happiness, and I was in bliss.

Merely 6 years later, I don't see me anymore.

I guess the problem with me is that I grow too attached to people I know, I love and I find it so difficult to say goodbye.

Being the happy-go-lucky me in the past, I guess making friends wasn't as hard. I believed that if I treated people well, I can gain true friendship. And through that, I just grew fondly attached to their accompany, to play along with me, to go through the days with me. I didn't actually think that goodbyes was a thing.

Then come the days where farewells are inevitable. Especially as I bid so to you. I thought those friendships were true, I thought I will have a group of friends then know me and will be there when I need them. Just in a few months. Every thing was gone.

You've changed me.

I am no longer that girl back then. I have became timid, unapproachable and deemed unfriendly. I guess I am just scarred from that goodbye. Permanently..

I opened myself to you, I share how I feel, how I think about things, how I want things to be. Then all of a sudden, I just lost you. I lost my someone to talk to. I was so lost and I didn't have anyone else to talk to about it. It was like there is a huge hole in my heart I really didn't know how to fix it to live. And so I didn't try..

For so long I was trapped in darkness. I see the sky, and I think death. I see the clouds, and I think death. I see the rain, and I still think death. Those thoughts were suffocating me and I guess I thought I have to leave..

After many consultations, as I leave the black hole, I thought everything was back to before anything started. Yet sadly, it is no longer the case.

I have changed.

I now fear opening up to people. I fear that when I come too close to you, I repeat my mistake if being too attached to someone. And so I stopped smiling, and I stop trying to make people smile.

And to people I have confided in. I look at them, and I know that I trust them, yet I am just so afraid if there will be an upcoming farewell that I am not ready for. And so I stopped trying to make conversations, and I stop any true conversations made.

Being paranoid about everyone I meet,  I guess there is just too many doubts I have. I want people to be there, yet I am too timid to keep them close. Maybe I appear to not care, but I too want to be there for the people I trust. I want them to be able to share what they feel and think as well. I want to be the true friend they will have, where we share not only moments of bliss, but also that of hardships together.

I guess I want to feel useful, so that the other party will not have any reasons to say goodbye to me...

And so now, to the few people I trust:

I'm sorry I am not the one initiating conversations because I have to learn to distant myself as a form of protection. But all you people are those I truly love and trust and I hope that you guys are those who I will never have to say goodbye to. Its just i dont know how to express myself. But fear not as I promise I will always be there for you, whenever you need me. Its true friendship > my insecurities. And I will stick to this principle. So trust me as well.

Don't leave me too..

I don't know if I can take another farewell...