I love to be alone because I find comfort in loneliness.

MD class gathering today.

Honestly wouldn't have went if not for jiayin pushing me to go. It was really not a class outing but just a clique gathering instead. It was nice seeing people I haven't talk to in ages.

The catchup with jazzi w the heartfelt conversation was really unexpected considering we haven't seen each other or actually kept in touch. And yet there wasn't any awkwardness in the air. Its this kind of friendship that I truly love and will last. I believe it have smth to do about confronting it firsthand when we sensed that we were drifting apart 3 years back. Its good to see that nth much changed and we could still trust each other enough to pour out everything within the first 15 min after not seeing each other for almost 1and a half year.

The whole clique went for bingsoo later and on our way there xuan stopped me to talk abit. She mentioned how Benjamin is now attached and how they are always tgt in sch. That's really sweet and I'm real glad that he found a someone. While I couldn't bring myself to be a better friend to him after complications (no excuses really), now that there is someone that makes him happy, I guess I feel less guilty? I know I can never make it up to him, how I've been such a coward and always running away from any confrontation when really i am the one in wrong. Thinking back, he really didn't deserve my shitty avoidance from guilt abt everything esp since i was always at the receiving end. I don't think he'll ever forgive me, and it's really heartbreaking to see how a great friendship fall apart because I was not mature enough to handle our issues. Before everything else, he was really a great friend who listened to my problems and blabbering... maybe that's why I start to keep everything to myself after I made him go.

I really hope that since I feel less guilty now, I'll have the courage to meet him for proper closure. But then again, I have no right to disturb his life now. He deserves every bit of happiness he feels now. I guess I just want him to know that I am real thankful for all he have done. And I'm real sorry for all I did. And as much as I would like it, I hope he will never forgive me since all I've been is a disaster and he can do way better without.

Not that I could actually tell this to him. I can't even bring myself to wish him a simple happy birthday every year for crying out loud. For what it is worth; I never forget his birthday. After all, he really is (.. was?) an important friend. I guess we will all carry secrets; I'll never be able to man up to apologize and he'll never know about this.

Congratulations Ariel; 12years into life and you already screwed up so badly that even 6 years later you can still feel the aftermath of it all.