10 days into this fresh start I already had a nightmare that scares me considering how real it could possibly be. 

I was just walking down some old street somewhere when I coincidentally met an old primary school classmate. Despite being q close back in the days, I shut them all out and eventually we lost contact. But that doesn't stop him from keeping his friendships intact. While I tried my very best to avoid meeting his eyes. He however did recognise me, but instead of being (or even acting) friendly, he shot me loads of horrible names which really stung my heart alot. While I tried to brush them off by continuing my way, his friends (my ex-classmates, my lost friends) appeared and joined in the verbal attack. That pain I felt in my dream gave me a huge shock and eventually woke me up. I'm not even kidding when I'm typing here that I could physically feel that pain in my heart in real life.

It's been a while since I had a dream, or that I could remember one, yet it had to be a dark one. What a way to start the year by taking a huge shot on my already low self confidence and self esteem.

But I can't help but think that the dream is real. Just that all the verbal attacks were done behind my back. Because I feel inferior in many ways, I don't dare to reach out to people and maintain connections. That must have fuel the fire of hate for me. I can't live with all these suspicions I have about people I used to know. And I really hate myself for being so lacking. Why am I like this? I really don't want to break down, I don't want to feel weak. But my crazy overly emotional side just can't take the pain incurred from a dream, the stress from the nightmare.

Just what went wrong for me, what did I do so wrong that I cannot even deal with myself.